Long, Long Year

It's been nearly a year since I've posted anything new - and oh, how things have changed. I took a semester off, and upon returning to school, find myself in another classroom at Metro, talking about gender - and loving it! I began this blog while enrolled in Gender and Communication, and this semester I am studying the Psychology of Gender. Our text book is chock full of new information, and also things that are very familiar to me. Discussion of gender roles, stereotypes, gender development, sexuality and the dynamics of power keep me thinking for days after class is over. Somedays I leave class full of new questions, sometimes feeling affirmed, sometimes with a smile that stays stuck on my face all the way until Cell and Molecular Biology. We had a 2 panels in our classroom this past month - one consisted of transgender/transsexual/gender queer individuals who shared their experiences with us and the other of therapists who specialized in gender conflict and transition. I was amazed at the strength, courage and willingness that the participants exhibited in sharing a deeply personal part of their collective life experiences!

This past year has given me ample opportunities to realize some important things about myself. During the time I was studying gender and communication, I experienced a traumatic event that I am still working through, slowly and steadfast. I had no idea that the topics we discussed in class would have direct application to my life, or the amount of resources I discovered were available to me. I have an amazing support system and network of friends, colleagues and classmates who showed up for me in ways I never imagined. I realized that there are grave flaws in our judicial system, and that stereotypes, bias and privilege are active forces in the civil systems we depend on. I discovered that I am quite capable of defending myself in a life-threatening situation - a lesson that I never wanted resolute confirmation of. I found that power is abused readily and with rationalization - I also gave new definitions to feeling empowered and what it means to take my power back in a way that hurts no one.

For years, I have had a bed of embers within me - occasionally I am stirred by an event, a conversation, an experience, a story or something I'm witness to. I recall vividly the day I protested downtown when Prop 8 was being appealed, caring for victims of violence at my work in a downtown emergency department, the death of my beautiful friend Lic Sanson and what she went through in the years before her death... These poignant moments are when I felt an urgency to act, a need to do something to help. My passion for speaking up, standing up for what I believe, and lifting up those who feel powerless has been renewed in a way that is hard to describe. These experiences that fan the flame inside of me have moved deeper, been consumed and utilized in another way, brought closer to me and are fueling a need to be aware, to get involved. I recently discovered a word for this enigmatic resident of my innermost self - or at least the change I'm yearning to work toward- social justice.

More to come as I explore what this means to me and how I can take action, in unity, with infinite hope. In my own tradition, as borrowed from Inda Eaton, "there's a song in that..." - or at least a lyric :o)

"Time is the anchor, change is the constant, love is the trigger" - Chris Pureka

What's the story?

I have fallen behind in my blog posts; as I sit to write, I feel like I am having a conversation over coffee with an old friend, needing to catch up. Life has happened, the end of semester is rapidly approaching and my mind is filled with new ideas and information. I'm working to cement all of it into knowledge, to transform what I see, hear, read, write and experience into a usable, re-callable form. The sourcing project for CCASA has been awesome and challenging at the same time. I have been focused on finding sources, editing and formatting citations into APA, but the proverbial rubber met the road over the last few weeks when I was able to use the information in the handbook and apply it to my own life experience. Also, I was able to pass along some of my new-found knowledge and resources on CCASA's webpage to a colleague of mine. It's amazing how I do all of this work to achieve one goal, and in the same moment I'm given an opportunity to really put into practice what I've learned. What a gift!

In class a couple of weeks ago, we were talking about global gender, global feminism and the idea that women's rights are human rights. We watched a clip of Chimamanda Adichie called "The Danger of a Single Story." I highly recommend watching it!



In my own life, I have experienced a single story more than once. Growing up in Wyoming, I was geographically and culturally isolated for people who were not like me - Caucasian, middle-class, English-speaking, from a nuclear family, etc. I also experienced the danger of a single story in a different way - while my life looked the same as those around me, what I read in books and saw on television, I recognized very young that I was not 100% the same. I was aware of being queer far before I had the courage to tell anyone, yet the single story of heterosexuality in my home, family and community left me terrified to be so far outside the norm.

Sometimes I am annoyed that I tie most experiences to the hard sciences, however something that helped me to deny the myth of a single story, of terminal uniqueness, as it were, is the fact that 99.9% of human DNA is identical. What separates us from each other is 0.1% of our genetic make up! Now, that 0.1% can have a grand impact - we are not the same people, even if we simply look at appearance, it's easy to see that there is great, glorious variation among humans. This knowledge lent to me a sense of unity - as a species, as occupants of our Earth at this time, we are in essence, the same. Our common purpose is our common existence, and the power of a common purpose can transcend oppression, geography, language, culture and dare I say, closed-mindedness.

Before I get carried away with unity, I think that it is necessary to recognize that we are also individuals, with our own beliefs, values and experiences. In order to represent women, or people, globally, we must promote unity and recognize individuality through awareness, conversation, activism and education. It would be painfully self-centered and self-righteous for me to only see the world from my own experience or carry the expectation that people will fit into the stereotype/category my mind places them into.

Whether I am considering my classmates, fellow Coloradoans or someone on the other side of the world, I try to remain open-minded, teachable and not make assumptions. I enjoy the comfort of familiarity in meeting people who share similar ideas, beliefs and goals. I feel as though I must be vigilant in veering away from ethnocentrism (the belief in the inherent superiority of one's ethnic group or culture; viewing other groups/cultures from the perspective of one's own). A single story is a danger to global unity - just as I have been able to re-write my own, I hope to further the idea that it's possible to see beyond what we think we know.

Media Saturation, Agenda Setting, and Media Literacy... Oh My!

CCASA ‘s mission states that they are “a membership organization promoting safety, justice, and healing for survivors while working toward the elimination of sexual violence.” If you’ve watched television recently, picked up a magazine, listened to popular music, viewed a film or paid attention to any of the average 3,000 advertisements a person is exposed to each day, it may not be difficult to see how media plays into the perpetuation and glorification of sexual violence. Media saturation is a certainty in American culture and Denver is no exception. Advertisements are flush with images of women in submissive positions and of men and women alike being objectified. Television crime shows normalize sexual violence to the point that rape, incest and molestation are frequently viewed images and a common part of the story. What isn’t being talked about in popular media is that sexual violence is not normal, not acceptable and that real people are victimized daily, even hourly.

Normalizing sexual violence lends to a quiet, passive acceptance by our society; organizations like CCASA work to improve legislation, support victims and promote education so that sexual violence is not acceptable or overlooked. Acts of sexual violence on any person is an atrocious violation of human rights and should not be fodder for storylines, movie plots and lyrics. Media saturation is pervasive and when sexually violent images and words are portrayed as the standard, it perpetuates sexual violence.  People surge into an uproar over political advertisements, celebrity mishaps and catastrophes in other countries – I find it unsettling that no one is outraged by primetime television shows, songs that glorify violence against women or the occurrences of sexual assault in our own city. Because of media saturation, perceptions of what is normal and what is acceptable get distorted. CCASA’s survivor’s handbook addresses common myths about sexual assault in effort to abate the erroneous popular view of sexual violence in our culture.  

Agenda setting, as described by our professor, means that the media doesn’t tell us what to think, they tell us what to think about. Agenda setting is present in all forms of media and is highly influential. Local news stories rarely report on a group of students participating in experiential learning through volunteerism at local non-profit organizations; instead, they show bombings, murders, the earthquake in Japan, Charlie Sheen’s escapades, financial crisis and what to expect from the weather. What does that say about what is important to people living in Denver? What do we talk about with our coworkers, friends and families? Being an informed consumer and socially conscious individual is a lot of work, however fast-paced lifestyles and egocentrism that are common to our culture seem to be in opposition to becoming either.

So how do we get there? How do we as individuals combat agenda setting in the midst of media saturation? Dr. McCarver says through media literacy, through learning to be critical consumers and media fluency. CCASA works through education and local activism to dispel myths, support victims, help providers of services do a better job and provide us with other things to think about. I personally work on being aware of where my information is coming from, checking in to see how I feel about what I am seeing, hearing and being told and most importantly, not supporting ideas that I’m not comfortable with. I refuse to watch programs or read articles that come from a couple of national news sources because they have an agenda that does not support the things that are important to me. I believe in equal rights, equal marriage rights and taking care of our citizens. I don’t support violence against anyone, cruelty in any form or glorification of violence. I don’t purchase songs by artists who sing about murdering their ex-wives or watch horror movies that show women as victims and glamorize violence. I do, however, discuss what I am learning, both through CCASA and my other classes, with my family, my friends and my classmates.

I ask a lot of questions, seek to get others involved, and most importantly speak up when I feel the ease of complicity creeping up on me. It’s not always easy to be the voice of dissent or come off as judgmental when standing up for what I believe. For me, there are many actions I can take on a daily basis to combat the perpetuation and normalization of sexual violence and stand up for the issues I am concerned with. The saying “if you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything” comes to mind – in a media-saturated, agenda-laden and blind-consumerism world, I’m happy to join the ranks of those who stand up and speak out. 

     Last week I composed a reflection essay based on materials I received from CCASA, which was only supposed to be 2 pages. At 4 pages, I felt satisfied that I had met the requirements outlined in the assignment and conveyed my true thoughts and feelings. CCASA is an enormous source of information for not just survivors of sexual assault but also for agencies and those who provide services to victims. The sourcing project for the handbook I'm working on, as I've mentioned before, is chock full of facts, statistics, general information, images, etc. The issues that this organization are concerned about range from legislative action, raising awareness, reporting of crimes, the criminal justice system, victims' advocacy and root causes of sexual violence.
     CCASA as an organization does an outstanding job of providing information for providers of services and being a hub to locate resources. The survivor's handbook, titled Toward Healing and Justice, covers a wide range of topics including defining sexual assault/sexual violence, law enforcement and criminal justice system, healing and recovery and survivor resources. The handbook even contains a chapter for family and friends. While the handbook is only 76 pages, I was astounded at how much I learned from reading it. In every section, there are supportive and informative statements that seem to stand up off the page. I tried to carry the perspective of what it might be like to read the survivor's handbook as a victim of sexual assault. Since I have no first hand experience, I imagined that I felt afraid, distraught, confused, angry and seeking direction. I sincerely believe that information is a solution to fear, and felt as though CCASA did a fine job in conveying much needed information in a dignifying, honest and direct way. Who knew a flowchart could seem comforting!
      In terms of what could be done better, I think that CCASA should find ways to be more visible in the community. I work in emergency medicine and am quite familiar with the Colorado Coalition Against Domestic Violence because in the majority of bathrooms in my hospital, CCADV has a small display rack on the wall with bookmarks and mini-handbooks. As a EMS provider, I would love to see a copy of their handbook available to staff. I think my colleagues could benefit greatly from an inservice or continuing education course using CCASA materials and possibly facilitated by volunteers. Considering my hospital is but one of many in Denver, and hospitals are a small portion of providers, it would be wonderful if more people knew about the resources available from CCASA. After writing this, I may have to pitch my ideas to the fine folks at my service learning organization. Hmm.. Sounds like another project!

To view the survivor's handbook, Toward Healing and Justice, please click this link.

Fufillment

     This week I am embarking on the sourcing project for CCASA and feeling delighted that I can actually apply my educational experience in the "real world". Initially, I thought the sourcing project would be soliciting or contacting resources for the handbook, such as victim advocacy groups, counseling centers, etc. I don't know where I formed this idea in my head, but I pictured myself cold-calling resources and standing on unfamiliar ground. When Karen at CCASA explained that it would be researching and citing the sources that were used in creation of the handbook, my eyes lit up and the gears in my head started turning. I love research! I am familiar with APA, have a naturally analytical mind and am neurotic about precision and detail. This project is perfect for me! My expectation that I would be a fish out of water was squashed. Dr. McCarver reminded us this week that we are experts at gender and communication, and I aim to live up to her confidence in our ability.
     The handbook, in its initial version, is daunting. At our orientation, a fellow student and I were allowed to puruse a copy - I'm pretty sure it weighed 10 lbs and I've never seen a binder that size! After thumbing through the pages, my second impression was that this handbook was thick with resources, educational materials and rich information. It obviously took hours upon hours of effort to compile, and the sheer size of it is a direct reflection of the authors' passion and dedication. I was given a folder of information to familiarize myself with and asked to write a short reflection essay based on the pamphlets and survivor's guide. Holding both the binder and folder in my lap, I looked at the two women hosting our orientation and was taken aback by the realization that CCASA only has 3 employees. Three. I've been charged with the opportunity to help, even in my small way, and feel as though I'm among the upper eschelon of activism and service. They work hard, and I am anxious to fall in line and do the same.
     Another expectation I had regarding my experiental learning opportunity was that I would experience an emotional swell as I became proficient in discussing sexual assault and violence against women. One year ago Tuesday, February 22nd, my dear friend and survivor, Alicia "Lic" Sanson, passed away. In honoring her life and the context of my blog, the details of her experience with being a victim of violence are not pertinent here, however, my point of relevance is. I was witness to the fallout she experienced and the synergistic effect it had on her life.
     In taking a moment to reflect, I see that my experiential learning this semester goes far beyond how I will benefit from volunteering. In my own quiet way, I get to honor Lic's passion for life, activism and mission to help others. I have the privilege to carry her legacy, to go on with my own life, to make a humble contribution and to collaborate with people who are already doing so much to stop violence against women. I see that CCASA is multifaceted in the way they combat sexual assault: through legislation, education, resources, being experts and bringing awareness. I know that my life experience and memories of Lic can only catalyze my desire to do something, really anything, to help. While the hours I put into the project will fufill my course requirement, the bigger picture is that I get to be a part of something that I feel passionate about and that helps people. My new expectation is that what I experience this semester will transcend the syllabus, rubric, course credit and transcript - the fufillment will come in another form.

                                                        Lic Sanson 11/18/82 - 02/22/10
Please visit any of the following links for information and support.
Colorado Coatilition Against Sexual Assault
To Write Love on Her Arms
The Phoenix Center at Auraria Campus

Seneca Falls

     When I think of women's movements, I think of "The Personal is the Political", the 3 waves of feminism, women uniting to raise their collective voices above the din of patriarchy and inequality. I hear my mother's voice, shouting at the television, "We fought hard for that!" in reference to abortion rights. I imagine my mother, aunts and innumerable women before me fighting for the freedoms I enjoy, and all of the energy, sacrifice and work that it took to be where we are as a society today. I also have an unsettled feeling in the center of my chest, knowing that a lot is yet to be done in terms of equal rights for all people, not just women. Above is a photo of 2 friends and I protesting in downtown Denver for equal marriage rights during the time Proposition 8 was undergoing appeal - that day is forever on my mind. I felt exhilarated, angry, powerful, powerless, joyful and proud to be a part of something greater than myself. My mother is a feminist, and grew up during second wave feminism as a part of the women's liberation movement. She had short hair, wore combat boots, swore she would never marry and was involved in grassroots political campaigns. Protesting for a few hours in front of the Wellington Webb building on Colfax gave me a sense of my heritage.
      In many ways, I identify with radical feminism. The movement began in the 1960's in a time of social revolution and awareness. In our text book, Wood says the radical feminists of the time were committed to "call attention to the oppression of women and to demand changes in women's place in society." My mother calls herself and others from that era "Women's Libbers" and every time she mentions it, she seems to stand a little taller, breathe a little faster and her eyes sparkle a bit more. Radical feminists in the 1960's unified, formed consciousness raising groups, were active in politics and publicly protested against oppression of women. The work of radical feminism is not finished. Current radical groups such as the Missile Dick Chicks, Guerrilla Girls and the Radical Cheerleaders employ many of the same strategies. They do public expositions and performances and raise awareness in a highly visible way.
     I am very drawn to ecofeminism and the idea that oppression of women and misuse of the Earth are related. On the website for EcoFem (it's a link!), I read about the connection between domination of the Earth and animals, racism, social inequalities and oppression. I am militant about recycling, have an ecofriendly car, try to limit my consumption and feel like I have a responsibility to do my part in taking care of our planet. I'm interested to learn more about ecofeminism, and it's sister movement, queer ecofeminism.
     The men's movement I most identify with is father's rights groups. This part of the men's movement is concerned with discrimination against men in custody battles and issues related to fatherhood. I have a couple of friends who are single fathers and know many more who wish they could share more of the custody of their children. Groups like Fathers 4 Justice use sit-ins, humor and dramatic stunts to raise awareness about inequality in parent rights. I am not a parent, however I hope to be one someday. I have fear that my partner or I would face similar problems as same-sex parents if we were to separate, and can identify with the struggle for seeking equal rights.
     As I am writing, I am finding myself returning to the issue of equal rights and injustice. I have joked that all queer-identified people should unite and stop paying taxes until we are afforded same-sex marriage/partnership rights. At times I feel like a second-class citizen and it's unsettling. I do not, however, feel victimized and take pride in doing things to be a part of the solution. Whether it be protesting, using my precious right to vote, or having conversations with my peers and loved ones about equal rights, I will continue to take action and try to empower others to do the same. One of my favorite musicians, Inda Eaton, often concludes stories with the phrase "And there's a song in that...". In her honor, please click the following link to a song called "Seneca Falls" by The Distillers. It is in reference to the Seneca Falls Convention in 1848 organized by Lucretia Coffin Mott and Elizabeth Cady Stanton, two pioneers of the women's rights movement. Lyrics to this song are copyrighted and can be found by clicking here. I hope you like punk rock.
"Seneca Falls" by the Distillers

Exemption and Opportunity

     Last week in my Gender and Communication class we did an exercise where we made a time line of significant events in our lives and how those experiences helped form our gender identity. I consider myself to be pretty self-aware, and yet I was surprised at some of the things I wrote about and sense of clarity I felt afterward. I talked about my pink and purple phase, when everything I owned was some combination of cotton candy hues; during the same time was the pocket knife event I have previously blogged about. At the time, it was perfectly acceptable to express both masculine and feminine traits. A couple of years later I was in the 1st grade, had a crush on a girl and beat up boys on the playground who tried to kiss her. I felt tough, protective, and more masculine than the other 7 year old girls around me. Later came the Girl Scouts, where we did domestic projects like crafts and baking, but also learned water safety and spent time outdoors camping and hiking.
     In the 7th grade, I began snowboarding competitively. While I was the only girl on the team, I did dryland training and some on-mountain training with the ski team. We were all fierce competitors and our head coach insisted on referring to us as "athletes" instead of boys and girls. I traveled a lot in those years, had some amazing experiences and was somewhat isolated from my peers due to training and competing out of state. My ideal of beauty was that of an athlete - strong, muscular, fit, toned, focused, healthy, dedicated, determined. Being an athlete first and a girl second came with some sacrifices. As though puberty isn't tough already, I was muscular, obsessed with fitness, extremely concerned with  nutrition and was not like the other girls at my school. My focus was on performance and not on how a 12 or 14 or 16 year old girl should be acting.
     In high school I retired from competition, became quite thin and started dressing/acting like other girls my age. It was a drastic shift but I have mostly fond memories of it. After high school, I came out as a lesbian and that radically changed every aspect of my life. My hairstyle didn't change, nor did the amount of makeup I wore or how many dresses hung in my closet. In terms of gender, I felt like expectations of me changed for those who were aware of my sexual orientation. It was as though I was no longer expected to get married, bear children or be domestic. It was more acceptable to be career focused than family focused, ok to be less feminine and not unusual that I had a lot of guy friends. I was told on many occasions, in both subtle and direct ways, that expectations of beauty no longer applied to me. People have said to me, often in a hushed voice and with confused expression,  "But, you don't look like a lesbian." After coming out, it seemed as though I became exempt from being a female. Society had canceled my subscription.
      Moving to a larger city and making connections in the queer community allowed me to feel accepted. Even here I found an entirely new subset of gender expectations. Am I butch or femme? Do I play softball? What gym do I work out at? Do I date butch or femme women? Do I want children, and if so, do I want to carry them? I was surprised, stunned and somewhat entertained by the stereotyping and essentializing I encountered.  Something that took me aback was the perception that we as lesbians are immune from problems like sexual health, STD's, domestic violence, rape and oppression. This shocked me when I heard things of this nature from people outside of the queer community, and imagine my horror when it came from the mouths of my peers.
     This semester I will be volunteering with CCASA, the Colorado Coalition Against Sexual Assault. I am so excited and can't wait to get started! Sexual assault, violence against women and oppression are issues I am passionate about; I feel honored to have to this opportunity to help, even if in a small way. It is important to me as a lesbian to raise awareness in the queer community, as a feminist to speak out and support women who are victims of violence, and as a human being to bring love and passion to this fight.